Girls of Warcraft

Online Gaming - Babysitter of the Future

2010-08-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

K. So. What's the deal with the whole "kids on the internet" thing? I mean, I just have to step aside a moment and wonder. When I was young, sure, we had a Nintendo. My brother and I played on occasion. Then we did other things. Like homework, running around with friends, riding bikes, you know. Kid stuff.

The internet got really popular (or I first paid attention to it) when I was in high school. I learned the joys of online gaming. I spent lots of time online, not being a fan of bars, which were where all my other pals hung out. But I never did so at the exclusion of all else in my life. I ride horses. I swim. I hike. I love tennis. I train my dog. Then at night I log on and become The Bitch online.

Inevitably, I run into someone in Warcraft (and other MMORPGs) who's just too damn young to be online alone. Maybe I'm showing my age here, but where are your parents? Mom? Dad? It's 2010. You can't possibly be unaware of the sheer numbers of people running around online waiting to cause mental and emotional pain to your child without even knowing it. Why? Because they don't know your kid's a kid, and some people are douchebags!

Case in point, and at risk of losing my Bitch Tiara: While running around on a lowbie alt, mindlessly slaughtering level 2 critters, a random newb ran up to me and sent me a tell.

"Do u need help?"

I responded with my usual. "No thank you, I'm fine."

Normally that's enough. Not for this dude.

"Cuz I need help."

I sighed to myself. "With what?"

He linked two quests that were well within his level. He was in the wrong area.

"Use your map, it shows you where to go to kill those things. You should be fine."

"Okay thanks."

End of it, right? Not so. Five minutes later:

"I died."

I really just wanted to run around, alone, and pewpew things. The newb was getting to the top of that list. I'm not paying a monthly subscription fee for this annoyance. And before you say it, yes, I'm aware that I have an /ignore command but I rarely use it. He was annoying, not profane, or rude, or otherwise harmful to my gaming experience.

"I'm sorry. Just give it another try. Good luck."

"Can I put u on friends?"

Sigh. "If you want to."

"Okay. Will u chat with me?"

/facepalm

"No, probably not. I don't play a lot."

"Oh okay. Can u show me where this stuff is?"

"Maybe your mom or dad could help you."

"Ok."

At this point, the tells kept coming and I just logged out to find another source of entertainment.

But picture this. What if I really were trying to live up to my blog persona? What if I were that random jackass using his corpse to spell profane words on the ground in Stormwind? What if I had unleashed a stream of profanity at your annoying child, told him where to stick it, how to stick it, and what to pound it in with?

Now, not everyone is a pedophile. That's not what I'm getting at. What I'm saying is, would you let your kid wander around the state fair alone? No? Then why aren't you monitoring his online playtime? Why is he asking me to chat? Why does he want to be my friend? I don't know him. You don't know me. For all you know I've got deep-seated emotional problems and I'm looking to vent my insecurity on your impressionable youngster.

What's wrong with you?

I'm sure plenty of parents out there are about to get seventy kinds of defensive on me. And that's okay... because I believe what I believe, and when I have a child you can be damned sure you won't find him playing online games with a bunch of random asshats unless I'm sitting there staring over his shoulder... but preferably, not at all. Not everyone would be polite to your child.

Bear that in mind the next time you're watching TV, thinking your kid is happily swinging away at harmless pixel monsters, eh?

Wrath of that Bitch Thing

2010-07-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

I've decided killing Arthas isn't good enough. I mean, when is this senseless violence going to stop? We tried diplomacy. We know he wasn't willing to listen to reason. We tried murder. And it worked... for a whole week. But really, did anyone try throwing a stubborn, opinionated Italian housewife at Arthas? I didn't think so. I'd like to quit my current job and volunteer for this one. I can see it going something like this:

(Door opens)
Bitch: Arthas? Arthas! What are you doing on the computer again?

Arthas: Nothing. Nothing.

Bitch: Are you killing adventurers again? What is it with you?

Arthas: Come on, I had a long day. The Scourge are all up in my shit about their dental plan again. A dental plan! I mean, are they for real?

(waits a beat)

Come on, you don't see the irony there?

Bitch: Oh, so now you want me to do the ironing too? Arthas, just because you came home doesn't mean you don't still have to work. This house doesn't run itself. You think I sit on my ass all day eating chocolates and watching soaps?

Arthas: I didn't say that!

Bitch: But no, you gotta walk in the door, not even a 'hi honey I'm home,' sit your ass down in that chair, and just start with the wholesale slaughter. Is your dinner gonna cook itself? Huh? Is the Dishwasher Fairy gonna clean this crap up for you? For crying out loud, Arthas, are those your socks on your desk?

Arthas: No, I don't know how they got there. (moves socks)

Bitch: Oh my god, what the hell is that cereal bowl doing under your socks? Who's gonna clean the oatmeal out of that now that it's all cemented to the sides? Wait, let me guess, I'm gonna do it because you're too damn lazy to put it in the sink!

Arthas: Sheesh woman, give it a rest.

Bitch: Give it a rest? Give it a rest? That's it. Turn that PC off right now, get your worthless ass in here, and fold your underwear. (leaves room)

Arthas: Okay okay, I'm coming. (surreptitiously taps keys)

Bitch: ARTHAS!

Arthas: (stands up and moves away from keyboard)

Bitch: And buy a damned Mac!

I can totally see that working.

Nice Girl Finishes Last

2010-07-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

In the course of our travels across Azeroth, my dear friend and I have met all manner of interesting characters. Some of these have been fleeting acquaintances and some of them have stuck around longer. As we make our way over virtual terrain, our cast of characters grows and grows. One particular addition bears special mention though, and that is he third of our trio who the reader has not met. That would be Nice Girl.

Now, I go by the Bitch because sarcasm, for me, is as natural as breathing. Half the time people can't tell if I'm serious. Even the Ditz has mastered the art of sarcasm in such a way as to act as my interpreter over the years when it was needed. She even makes a fair mediator. On the other end of the spectrum, we have Nice Girl.

When we first met Nice Girl the Ditz and I were wandering around during the midsummer world event, you know, travel from city to city, honoring your faction's fires and desecrating the other faction's. Nothing like encouraging prejudice, right? As we came into one of the smaller cross-faction towns we ran into some of the opposition putting up a good defense. Normally our initial response would have been to pew-pew them until they vaporized. On this occasion, however, we were fascinated by what was happening before us.

A lone player ran in, cheered, and was summarily mashed into a pulp. Not unheard of. Ten seconds later the same lone player, without waiting for backup, ran in and was mashed to a pulp. And again. And again. Surely this punishment couldn't continue.

"Do you want some help?" It wouldn't be a problem for us to flag and cause a little friendly destruction.

"Help with what?" was the response.

"Getting your flame."

She laughed. "Oh I have it already!"

Even the Ditz blinked at that one. "You have it?"

"Yes, but thank you!"

And in she ran again, to be beaten over the head by the bloodthirsty masses at the bonfire. Two of them even got an achievement.

And she came back!

"What are you doing?" We finally asked.

She looked at us as if the answer was obvious. "I'm helping them! Six of them have gotten achievements while I've been here!"

Huh. There was a novel concept. Helping someone by offering your virtual toon to be sacrificed repeatedly to the pixel gods. It was a nice gesture but I'm pretty sure the opposing faction was getting a kick out of slaughtering her repeatedly, rather than making any appreciable achievement gains.

Nonetheless, Nice Girl's enthusiasm was endearing. It was a little tough to drag her away from the brink of death but we managed to convince her to come with us, plying her with promises of allowing her to sacrifice herself at the next bonfire we ran across. Much like the Ditz's desire to own every vanity pet that had ever existed in any game anywhere, Nice Girl had an almost macabre need to be helpful even at the price of her own extinction.

But she fit in with us and like a dysfunctional little virtual family we traveled together. And I began the long, hard task of corrupting - er, educating Nice Girl. I mean, being nice is all well and good but bitchiness has its place. She would be my apprentice, and someday she too would discover the fine art of insincerity... or I would die trying.

Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy

2010-06-23T07:18:00.001-07:00

"No way. You're really a girl?"

Yeah that's right. I've heard it before. Many times, in fact. What is it that causes the average male gamer to assume everyone around them is also a male until proven otherwise?

I realize the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of my having bait and tackle, but still... call it naive, call it whatever. I usually assume that if the toon on my screen has boobs, it's being played by a girl. I know, silly of me!

That said, it seems to be a subject of interest when I join a group or raid and get asked if I'm really a girl. Assuming I'm in a truth-telling mood, that is. Someone's always surprised I'm playing a toon of a matching sex. Let's not bring gender into this just yet.

Ok, let's bring gender into this. For those who aren't anthropologically-minded, let me briefly explain the difference between sex and gender. Sex is a biologically-pre-ordained state which determines, basically, whether you have an innie or an outie. Gender, however, is a far more "shades of grey" category which is the role in which you feel you fit ino and/or fulfill in a society. In other words, female is your sex. But 'homosexual' is your gender. This is in its simplest terms, of course, because there are some exceptions to pretty much every rule. Like hermaphrodites. Too much though - we want to keep this basic!

So, why is it that men (and, in a lesser sense, women) enjoy playing a toon of the opposite sex? I've asked this question of a few people over the years with differing answers. One or two men freely admitted to me that they were homosexual and preferred the female identity. One or two guys told me if they had to stare at a toon's ass all afternoon, they'd rather it be female. They might be repressing, though. Who knows. A few male gamers told me they'd never play a female toon. A few female gamers told me they love playing male toons.

We might have to do a survey.

For now, what I really want to know is this: If you didn't actually believe I was a girl before you asked, why were you still hitting on me?!

The Westfall Chicken: An Endangered Species

2010-06-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

So any good WoW gamer knows about the Westfall Chicken quest, possibly the most fun any newbie ever had. For those unfamiliar with it, let's just say it involves an ungodly amount of clucking at a barnyard bird while various onlookers giggle at your odd behavior.

Once The Ditz realized she could have a pet chicken, obtained in his manner, she was unstoppable. She had to have a chicken. And she wanted it yesterday.

So off we went to Westfall, my silly friend on /follow to avoid having to actually use her minimap, a process that still stresses her out to this day. I explained to her how things worked. I taught her how to make a /chicken macro to spam senselessly until she saw her targeted chicken emote. I was very careful to explain to her that she had to wait to right click on the chicken until there as a speech bubble icon on it, NOT a sword icon. Sword means death. Speech means peace! Happiness! Chicken pet! It's a very basic concept. Think of what might have happened had the White Man waited until the Native Americans had speech bubble icons instead of swords! North America would be a happy place, where we all ran around full of racial tolerance and chicken pets!

K. Anyhow, the point is, I explained it to her in great detail. She smiled, nodded, and then killed the chicken. We stood there silently for a moment, staring at its tiny little corpse. Poor chicken. With a patience I hadn't known I possessed, I explained the whole sword = kill thing to her again.

After a wholesale chicken slaughter which left Farmer Saldean chickenless, The Ditz pet-less, and myself looking forward to a delicious roast later on, we finally had a good solid minute or two to re-apply the theory of diplomatic speech before the next generation of chickens spawned. I used crayons and small words.

This time something must have stuck! Miraculously, The Ditz managed to spam a chicken into a stunned silence and then after a somewhat lengthy pause, which I assume she spent praying, we had success! She clicked a chicken without murdering it!

Choirs of angels sang, a beam of light descended from the heavens, flowers bloomed, children danced, puppies and kitties frolicked together... And, well, she got her pet chicken.

Little did I know it was only the start of a deeper, darker obsession. The tip of the iceberg which took down the Titanic... Azeroth had no idea what was in store for its pet population. For this, I humbly beg forgiveness. I knew not what I had done.

Pity Party

2010-06-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you're bored with your main, can't find a good group, don't feel like raiding? You make an alt like any good gaming addict. Which is exactly what I did one day when I was bored.

So there I was, methodically picking up quests in Shadow Glen and planning out how best to knock each one out to maximize exp and minimize travel time. I can be OCD about it, sure.

While I was picking up quests I saw the strangest thing. A lone level 1 hunter, running around in wide patterns that could not exactly be called circles, nor ellipses, nor any recognizable geometric pattern. She wasn't stopping at NPCs. She wasn't killing anything. She was just randomly running around.

Well, I'm not always The Bitch. I just play one on TV. So as she zoomed by I typed my fastest, hoping to catch her before she was gone.

"Heyareyouokay,doyouneedsomehelp?"

Something must have gotten through because she stopped, and rotated in place for about three years before she apparently found me, standing right in front of her every revolution. It was bizarre.

"I'm lost," was her answer.

I looked behind me. Yup. Enormous tree, dominating the area, as per the norm. Kinda hard to miss.

"What are you looking for?"

"I have a quest to kill spiders. But I don't like them, they're hairy."

Sigh.

So, I had her follow me. And we killed spiders together. Or, I killed them while she screamed and ran around in circles. It was kind of cute, I won't lie. This was, as posted before, the beginning of something beautiful.

She /followed me to Darnassus. She /followed me to Darkshore. She /followed me pretty much everywhere I went, because I learned really fast that to leave navigation up to her was to add three hours or more to any quest. I became her guide and she became, well, comic relief.

Of course she grew up. But we still call her The Ditz. Every now and then she even manages to find her way to ICC before we have to stop buffing and summon her.

Meet the Girls

2010-06-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Hi there. Nice to meet you. No, really. I mean it. We care about what you think, which is why we're here writing this blog. All right. There's a slight chance I might be exaggerating. I don't actually know who you are. You're a collection of pixels on my screen, and every once in a while we cross paths and do a little wave or a funny dance. Hooray.

Every now and then, however, you find someone online who you can see yourself actually having a relationship with. Not a sexy, "Omg I wanna meet you for realz and be your gurlfriend" relationship, but a "hey, we could be BFFs" kinda thing.

Enter The Ditz.

How we met is irrelevant at the moment. More on that later. It should be sufficient to say, we met online five years ago and it was the beginning of a beautiful sisterhood that has flourished and grown, blah blah blah blog.

That's right. Blog. Because some things are funny enough, or ironic enough, to share.

So, you have me. I'm The Bitch. I've always got something to say. Most of the time you can't stop me from saying it, no matter how much shit is hitting whichever fan. I eat, breathe, sleep, absorb, and ooze sarcasm. Sometimes I don't even know where the sarcasm stops and the sincerity begins.

Then there's The Ditz. She's continually lost, has self-esteem issues which she hides marginally well by acting silly, but overall doesn't care what people think of her because she goes her own way and does her own thing, an admirable trait in anyone.

So when The Bitch and The Ditz get together, fun things happen. And they're good. So if it amuses you, read on. If not, fuck off. We didn't ask for your opinion anyway!

Cheers!